How Are You, Really?
Recently, we attended a conference that was all about Third Culture Kids, TCKs. What is a TCK? It is a person that has been transplanted into a completely new culture during their formative years due to the parent’s choice or work. They may feel at home and not at home in this culture or that, and so have a unique perspective (and culture) that becomes part of their identity. We learned many things during this conference. Some things began to really come together for us, while other things we took note to be aware of. When it boils down to it, This cross-cultural life is great! …and it’s also painful.
In the book Raising Up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids, the author Lauren Wells describes this group of kids by using the Ampersand symbol (&). It’s so much fun and enriching to be in a whole new world & it’s also full of difficulty and grief that must be acknowledged.
When we were in the States a few months ago our family noticed that, while we were so excited to be back, we also felt very untethered. Indeed, we began to fray during our final days until we arrived back in Ecuador. It is a strange feeling not to really know where to feel at home.
Of course, I have had monumental moves in my life since the age of five, so I know the ropes. I know that it’s really lonely. I know that it is so hard to feel like you belong. Anywhere. That you have to find the things you love really quickly in order to stay encouraged. But along with the Hard, there is also the Joy when you find out that there is a new facet to your being, that you now have friends that are so amazing and you would never have met them unless you came to their culture.
I am writing today because I want to answer the question I’ve been asked often:
How are you really?
And it’s easy to see the romance and the passion of being sent to a country to serve and be a witness for Jesus. But in no way do I want anyone to feel as though we’ve arrived at some sort of Christian mountaintop. (I say this chuckling, knowing Quito is one of the highest capital cities in the world) It does feel great to be free to serve ministries, churches, and people without charge - bringing the blessing of time, energy, and resources with us. But I also want you to know the shadowy side of things. Not to glorify it, but so that you, our cloud of witnesses, will know us better and that we would mutually share the comfort from Christ that we receive no matter what our circumstances.
One of the hardest things for us as parents has been to see our kids begin to go slower than their peers in their adult development. This is because there is a shutdown and restart in how you do everything and in how you relate to people. Even our son, Joshua, who stayed in the States, had to restart after feeling a pile-up of emotions once he started University. So he took a step back. For almost two years. He had some dark nights last year when he would call me, a whole country away, and say “I don’t know why I am alive. I don’t believe I have a purpose.”
Our son Jonathan, who is graduating high school this year, has no plans to start college. He also has had to take a step back in order to process how he’s changed throughout his Ecuadorian life.
Our daughter Kayla took big steps back, hiding behind a mask, a hoodie, and a hat for most of last year. While we visited the States she made a few friends pretty quickly and laughed and giggled with one of her besties. In the entire year we have been in Ecuador, she has only made three friends.
Pretty hard stuff.
&
Our son Joshua has visited us twice and has discovered his love for Ecuadorian culture. He has served in the jungle (the rest of us haven’t even been to the jungle), has held children almost everywhere he has visited, and has enjoyed the challenge of trying to speak Spanish with new friends his age. Recently, after he spent several days serving with a short-term team he said, “If only I could do this all the time.” Everyone was amazed at how much Spanish he had learned and how he was able to translate for the Ecuadorians so they could communicate with those that spoke very little Spanish. He is visiting us now, but in the Fall, he will start tech college and he is very excited to study something he loves, motorsports.
Our son Jonathan has discovered his faith. He always believed since he was a child. But now he has experienced God picking him up, dusting him off, and LOVING him. He knows that some more traditional Christians may judge him for his earrings and his interesting fashion statements, and that makes him sad but the word of God is alive to him now. He has never had an easy time making friends, until Ecuador. He is well-connected, has friends his age, and he has adult mentors that he respects. All this was not something we could have imagined and we are so thankful. The hardest thing about being in Ecuador for him is not being able to get a job and make money or be able to drive. He dreams of having a motorcycle, which scares me to death. He says, “being in a big city is a dream come true.” It is very hard to keep him at home, he loves exploring the city with friends.
Our daughter Kayla regressed socially, but then matured really quickly as well. Most people don’t believe she is only 12. Her three friends are ages 15, 16, and 17. This is all very interesting to me. But these girls are great. Two are missionary kids and one is an Ecuadorian who loves similar things and speaks excellent Spanish and English. Not coincidentally, all the girls are artists. Kayla has begun to participate in the Teen Fellowship without needing to be next to me. She has caught herself having fun several times. She is mostly surrounded by English speakers but this is necessary right now as she adjusts. She says, “I would like to stay here for a long time, we can talk about moving back to the States when I am 15.” This is very good news for us.
How about Freedom and I? Well, we have very animated Monday meetings. This is when we plan for the week. Trying to work together has its challenges. Sometimes we don’t even understand the English we both speak to each other. But we also are falling into a groove where we know who’s job is who’s. We have always worked together in some form or another so we have had good training. When we go through hard times getting along, it feels especially lonely so it’s important for us to just keep serving each other. I don’t know how other couples reconcile but for us, it’s always serving. We serve each other sacrificially because that bears truth. Eventually, the emotions settle and we can really be there for each other again sometimes we reach out for prayer and include friends in our situation. For us, Jesus is our foundation but our marriage is the starting point to ministry. We simply cannot be about the Father’s business if we are not submitting to one another in our home.
And so it seems, that for Third Culture Kids it is supremely important to have a close and safe relationship with their parents. Of course, all kids and young adults need this. But when things are hard because God called you to a whole new place, there needs to be a special sensitivity surrounding their faith. A large percentage of them report feeling emotional neglect, perhaps because everyone is being stretched all at once. Spending the time to really hear them and simply being there for them during the tough stuff, is what creates a buffer for them and continually builds resilience. And so we have to make sure that we are continually available for this process.
Also, we are very glad that we made the sacrifice to bring our dog to Ecuador… and to get the cat we never would have allowed in the States. (I don’t have statistics, but I think pets are great therapists)
And there you have a very long answer to how we are doing in Ecuador, really.
